I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
