I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
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