I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
