i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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