your parents love me but you hate me
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
