I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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