How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
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