Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
