sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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