bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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