How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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