I hate your face
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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