He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
