I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
