hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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