I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
