i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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