Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Boobs are out for the taking
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
