so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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