I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
