and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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