so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
