if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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