She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
