Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
