I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Randomize
