I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
