I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize