found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize
