I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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