She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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