It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
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