so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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