It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
