i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
whose ass print is on the piano?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
