I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
