We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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