your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
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