my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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