I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize
