Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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