i just wanna soil my oats bro
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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