I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize