May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
