i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
i drank out of a bidet.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Pants are for mortals
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
