Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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