Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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