got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
