I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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