Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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