Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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