Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
