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I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
