Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
