So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
