I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
